01:49 May 27 2024
Times Read: 90
While I was at the airport today, sitting by the gate, the conversation with my niece was really weighing on me. About Wolfie. As much as I try not to think about him, he's always there in my thoughts. I have a lot in my life, a lot of good, a lot to focus on. But... it still feels empty without him. Not being able to tell him... everything. I always told him everything. He kept a lot from me. A lot about how bad it was in his own head. And... it's nice to want to protect someone from that bad. But what happens when that bad boils over, and suddenly you're gone, leaving that person very lost and hurt and confused? For a very long time. I mean, I'm usually fine. I'm not happy. But I'm not a wreck. I'm just fine. But it's hard when someone brings him up. It forces me to feel, and I just can't handle that. I hadn't cried in a long time. I hadn't cried in an airport in a really long time.
My niece brings him up every weekend. But for whatever reason... it hit particularly hard this time.
It's hard. But you have to keep going.
My baby niece was at it again. I was sitting in my room watching YouTube, and she walked in, and asked what I was watching. And I was watching a guy named SixteenLeo so I told her, and glossy eyed she looked up at me, and said, "Aw, I miss Uncle Wolfie."
Because Wolfie's real name, well the short version of it anyway everyone called him Leon.
I was talking to my mom about it recently, about how she brings him up every weekend. And it made me realize, my baby niece is 5 years old so Wolfie was a part of her life for all of her life. For those first few years, he was a constant presence, even if not always physically, he was always on the phone or video with me, and he'd always take time to talk to the kids when they were here, which obviously is pretty much always. So she genuinely considered him family, all the kids did, and I don't think he ever really grasped that. That he was their family. And trying to explain his absence to them is as difficult as explaining it to myself. Imagine having an uncle who is suddenly gone, and you don't know why. But Wolfie never understood pack mentality. He never understood being cared for unconditionally, having a family. To him, even after all those years together, everything we went through TOGETHER, he was still mentally all on his own in his own head. I remember all the times he literally cried to me that everyone in his entire life has abandoned him... But I don't think that's true. I think he's the one who walks away from people, but then twists it in his head that everyone leaves him. Because that's exactly what he did to me. You had people who loved you, YOU walked away. And I'm sure he's convinced himself that I gave up on him. Except I'm still right fucking here. I didn't send him away. I didn't tell him to never come back. In fact, I didn't really say anything when he left. There was a lot I could've said, but I let it happen. I didn't resist, but that's not because I didn't love him. If he's out there telling the next poor sucker that I was just another person who declared him a lost cause, he is so fucking wrong for that. How many times has he walked away from me... I don't want him to come back until he's sure he's not going to walk away anymore. Because we both deserve stability, and consistency, and in the state he was in, he couldn't give that to either of us. I fully believe that Wolfie needed to leave to get better, and that once he's there, he'll come find me. And if that never happens, I can live with that. Because if it never happens, he's not the man I fell in love with. If that never happens, that man never existed. And I can't be upset over someone who was never real. Are you real in your own life? Or are you just a Pawn to be manipulated by every person, and circumstance around you?
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